On Being Fired

Being fired is never easy. It’s one thing to be unexpectedly let go, but being fired is never truly unexpected. In one way or another, everyone is aware of issues that could lead to a dismissal. The hard part is pinpointing the source of those issues. If everyone involved in the hiring process was honest, failing to keep a job usually means issues with team chemistry, shifting expectations, personality, or maybe health (mental or physical).

A few weeks ago I was fired. I moved 1000 miles for the job, loved the company ethos, the co-workers but… never felt like I connected with my team. It’s a weird feeling for me. I’m pretty opinionated and argumentative on goals and methods but I’m not confrontational when it comes to personal issues. I’m pretty easy-going socially so failing to connect with the team was hard for me from early on. I was never invited to meetings I feel I should’ve been.¹ My team usually had lunch together but I was not once invited to join even though I was invited to lunch with other co-workers pretty much every day. Not everybody is wired like me but I start feeling super anxious, if at a subconscious level, when I feel like I’m being kept “at bay”. I start feeling like people are talking about me behind my back (even if rationally I have no reason to think so). I tried communicating that in a “this is not a big deal but…” way, but I didn’t even realize it was a big deal!

I was hired as a technology generalist to integrate and help grow the newly founded DevOps team. The whole process was incredibly fast: 2 weeks from first contact to signed contract, including an in-person interview (again, 1000 miles away). I’m pretty familiar with system administration, networks, mildly familiar with Ruby, and was just getting into Chef and infrastructure as code. I’m a pretty fast learner on the job so I was confident I could pick things up fairly quickly and I was told that was to be expected. Anyone familiar with IT and System Administration will tell you that each shop will have its own quirks and systems, so there’s always plenty of learning. It is pretty normal for new hires in these positions to be given several months to adjust, with lowered expectations and demands. When I started, what I found was a total lack of documentation and an insanely overworked team of two: the company’s Senior Software Architect (one of the original hires, now leading over 40 developers; still doing on-call) and a seriously overburdened Engineering Lead-turned-DevOps Lead. They occasionally got help from the IT Manager and the other Software Architect, but they had their own teams. I was assigned tasks to be completed in mostly seclusion and isolation (I didn’t even sit with my team).

A couple of months in and I was already feeling terrible but failing to realize it. I was stressed, incredibly unproductive, feeling guilty, like an impostor,² like I wasn’t worth what I was getting paid. I kept fighting those feelings with smiles every time a friend or family member asked me “How is work going?”. Again, I loved the company and my co-workers so I thought (hoped?) things would turn around.

Fast forward a few months, and with some up and downs in the middle,³ I get to the office one morning and immediately get a calendar invite for “Reserved” with the Lead Architect and the HR/Culture “boss”. I had a weird feeling about it, but tried to stay positive and continue on with my day dismissing it as likely just an early “6-month review”. At the scheduled time, I walk into the meeting room, one that I had never been to, really far from the open space area, and within 30 seconds of sitting down I had already heard the words: “Today is your last day here”. As I’m hearing these words, a barrage of notifications was making my phone go crazy: all my GitHub forks and all other company accounts were being deleted, removed and disconnected. Without getting into details about the meeting, I wasn’t even allowed to go collect my things. Someone had already collected and brought them to the door of the meeting room. I was escorted out of the building without even getting a chance to see anyone else.

I felt betrayed, mistreated, humiliated, disrespected, marginalized, rejected, frightened… petrified. I had moved 1000 miles for this job. I had spent all my savings paying for the apartment we left.⁴ My wife had left her previous job and we had gone a couple of months solely on my income. I have just a couple of friends here and no family. I had accepted the job because they told me they needed my specific skillset and wanted my help developing a DevOps department. They had other applicants but chose me. And now, in a split second, with seemingly no forewarning, I was fired. Other reasons were presented during that meeting but when I confronted them I got “well, yes, true but…”. That last meeting felt more like minds were made and this was just the appropriate time: they had hired someone else (an old friend of one of them) and they were starting less than a week later.⁵

A few hours later, already home, while laying in bed waiting for my wife to get home and freaking out about having to tell her the news, I started feeling incredibly relaxed and… free. All the anxiety and stress that I was hiding under a smile and wave⁶ was beginning to be released. It felt like a huge weight was lifted from my shoulders, like a belt was released from around my chest, like I could see everything around me in full color, brighter. I still felt terrified and worried about having to find a new job, finances in the interim, the feelings of rejection, of not being “good enough”, but the toxicity of the situation was really taking a toll on me and I never even realized it fully.

In the couple of weeks that followed, I took some time and did some soul searching. I decided to let go of any preconceived notions of who I am or am supposed to be (professionally). I realized that I’m not wired to be an engineer. I need the creative, visual process. I love engineering, but I’m just not wired to be a proper engineer. My passion lies at the intersection of the various disciplines of software development: engineering, design, business development, people management, vision, ideas, testing, user support, etc… Being siloed into any one of those areas seems to suffocate me. For too long I have taken jobs based on my ability to perform tasks, never considering my goals, ambitions, motivation, potential, or, more importantly, how I’m wired. Working out of your element will drain you in many ways. You will not feel fulfilled or productive. You will lack energy and passion. You will not be a good employee.

After years of development, design, network and system administration, and other disciplines of engineering, it is now clear to me that the few times I was called to work at the intersection of engineering and vision I performed better, felt more fulfilled and energetic, and work felt less like a chore that you must complete to get your paycheck, and more like a passion that happens to pay your bills.

This realization calls for action. I’m taking control of my career. I will now embark on the road towards product management. It’s going to be an adjustment, it will require learning and hustling, but I’m more excited about it than I ever was for any of the other engineering roles I had performed. I also have learned plenty from this experience. I learned to be more critical and inquisitive of potential employers. I will be a lot more intentional in how I go about finding a good match, both company and position.

Being fired is a terrible experience but it is usually the culmination of a lot of bad things. Where I stand today, I think being fired was the better part of the whole experience. I wasn’t happy, fulfilled, or feeling respected and valued. Being fired released me from all those bad emotions and allowed me to rethink my motivations and aspirations. Scary? Sure is, but I rather be scared into action than nuzzled in unhappiness, emptiness, feeling dismissed and marginalized. Here’s to being fired: 🍻.