LEVI/FIGUEIRA

Please Contact Sales

When I don’t see any pricing for a product or service on its website, this is what I assume it the sales process will ensue:

Contact our sales agent so someone can list all the features we have that you don’t care for but we think justify our ridiculous price tag.

Also, we only have plans bundled in ways that ruin your experience, by adding features you don’t care or removing the ones you care, so we can upsell you on our more expensive plans that include most of what you want, with plenty of what you don’t want, and you only have to compromise on 2-3 features you’d like.

For more information on our products and services, please call only when you’re able to spend a lot of money. Otherwise, please leave our website so we can save some bandwidth for our paying customers to struggle through our overly complicated site structure, while we blame their internet service provider for the slowness.

After 12 days, 3 faxes and endless phone calls…

Thank you so much for compromising and giving us your money. We’ll contact you every week to make sure you are happy with our product, and let your support and/or feature requests accidentaly be deleted by our over-zealous automated ticket cleanser. To avoid bothering our support agents, who already hate their jobs, please make sure to keep any comparisons with our competition to yourself: we are aware and, honestly, don’t care because you are either already giving us your money.

Please keep in mind that we may remove and/or add features you care to your plan. HA! Got you there: we will only remove features you care. We may add features you don’t care, though, for your raging pleasure. You are so welcome. No: we are welcome.

Note: our company accepts no liability for the content of this message, or for the consequences of any actions taken on the basis of the information provided, unless that information is subsequently confirmed in writing. If you are not the intended recipient you are notified that disclosing, copying, distributing or taking any action in reliance on the contents of this information is strictly prohibited.

Aside from the (hopefuly) humorous text above, I seriously encourage you to keep a few things in mind, if you care for your existing and, especially, potential customers (which I’m sure you do):

Questions or comments? Hit me up on Twitter or App.net.

Copyright © 2017 Levi Figueira
All Rights Reserved