I’m afraid of schedules. I am! I’m afraid of the specificity of scheduling something and how it may interfere with something that could potencially come up. Ya, I know: ridiculous! The more I think about it, the more I realize that this fear is not of scheduling but of disappointment.
Everyone knows me as the flexible guy… I’m relaxed and can adjust and make decisions on the fly with little (apparent) effort. I don’t mind pressure and I don’t mind making the call on mostly anything. For that reason, I’ve always seemingly reserved myself for these “eventualities”: I’m ready should anything come up. The problem is scheduling is the only way to get things done in a progressive form. And it’s not like I just waste my time doing nothing; I’m actually always quite busy. But I’m busy with things that, while interesting and productive, are not relevant or significant.
The fact is that though I’m opinionated, decisive and dogmatic, I am just as afraid of rejection and of disappointment as everyone else. The paradox is that that fear has led me to disappoint plenty of people (and myself) by either not comitting or not delivering something done over a period of time. I would spend all my time either over-analyzing or getting myself ready for anything, only to fail at getting something done.
I want to read more; I want to write more; I want to ship more; I want to learn more… I could add more things to that list: travel, relax, visit my family, spend time with my wife, enjoy life… The reality is the former won’t be doable and the latter won’t be attainable unless I schedule my time in order to do and fulfill them. Even if it means losing my flexibility, I have to stop being afraid of saying no to whatever and just get. something. done.
[queue Inception soundtrack]